I’ve finally finished my last paper,EST. I thought it’ll feel good..instead..i feel really rotten. Honeydew invited me to an outing along with his friends tomorrow..knowing my parents..it’ll be impossible. He looked so down after I told him ‘no’..guilt flooded me. I too wanted to join but…why bother asking my parents when I already know the answers right? I tried using the excuse that I don’t wanna be the only girl there. It’s not nice I said. He then said that he found a girl that’ll be coming along if I go. He thought it’ll be a great apportunity for me to get to know some friends. I know he was just being nice and all but..am I really that pitiable that I need my boyfriend to intro a friend to befriend me? It’s not that I don’t have friends..its just that they got sick of me. Sick that I turn down every invitation they gave me..even birthday parties. Even my best friend didn’t bother to invite me to her little birthday party this year..i didn’t blame her..i knew it was all my fault anyway. After thinking so much..eventually my mood was down the drain. I remained quiet as usual. And again..he bugged me to talk again. I was rather pathetic today though. I asked him softly..who is that girl? He told me that the girl is some girl he knew from tuition. Different school but a nice girl. He said that she’s someone who talks a lot. She’s a little like me and him too. Like me as in pampered and like him as in she has a temper too.. I felt a hint of regret for asking. Covetousness I guess. Many thoughts filled my mind..He want’s me to be like her? Or he likes her too because she’s nice and also talks more than me.. OR..its just plain empathy? Ugh! I hate this feeling. Eventually he managed to cheer me up. While we were waiting at the gate for my mum to arrive..he convinced me to at least ask for my mother’s permission for tomorrow’s outing. It bugged me a little but still I agreed.

When my mother arrived,honeydew and I hopped into the car. Mum asked us how’s the exam as usual. Then I brought it up..“Mum,if my friends invited me for an outing tomorrow..could I ?” I asked.“ To where?”its all she asked.“MV for a movie..”I answered softly..looking at the back to try to catch a glimpse of honeydew. His expression was filled with hope.“With who?”she questioned again. “ Just a few friends..”I mumbled. “Hmm..what do you all plan to watch? Twilight?” her voice was soft..for a moment I thought she was about to say ‘OK’.. “ Yeah..” i answered.. “No.” a short answer is all she gave. Good thing I didn’t put my hopes too high. When I turned to the back again..i saw how dissapointed honeydew was. I felt bad..but I’d already told him not to place too high hopes..sigh. I mouthed “ I tried” to him and all he did was faked a smile and shrugged. When we reached his father’s office..he thanked my mum as usual and got out of the car. My mum then asked me again “Who were your ‘friends’ who invited you out?” I answered solemnly “Hibiki and his friends..” She nodded and remained silent. I guess she was expecting me to say Kimura.

I was upset. That’s all that I could use to discribe how I felt. When we reached home..i ate my lunch. As I was eating..my mum mentioned that she would ask my dad on whether to allow me out with my friends. I disagreed. I knew my dad would never allow. He always says that it is a dangerous world..something that every father tells his beloved daughter. But..sigh..i don’t wanna quarrel. Like yesterday..Kimura asked me..did I ever ask my dad why doesn’t he allow me to go out..I told her..there’s no point in it..No means no..no matter how much they explain..it’ll still be a ‘No’.. But my mum ignored me..she asked my dad through the phone. I hate it. Why does she want to do that to me..i had enough dissapointment for today. I know daddy’s gonna say no..it already hurts to think..it’ll hurt more if I hear those words coming out from his mouth myself. As expected..from my seat at the dining table,I could still hear my dad saying ‘no’ through my mum’s handphone. Today’s just not a good day for me. I brought everything into the kitchen to wash up. After exam’s or not..life’s the same. It does not make as much difference as the other’s of my age.

It was almost dusk when my mum and bro invited me to a game of monopoly. I was still kinda down while we played..and just somehow..my mum felt sorry for not allowing me to go on the outing,so she said that tomorrow she would treat us for a movie~the twilight movie! We overjoyed. How easily appeased i am..lolz.After the 5 hours game..my bro got broke so we stopped the game..That’s all now..adieu~!

Today I woke up once honeydew text-ed messaged me. He invited me over to study together. I replied ‘ok’ and immediately washed up. After showering, I walked out to grab a fruit juice and packed some food back for my mum,bro and I . After eating my brunch..i was about to leave for his place. Then..my mum,gave me a look. I asked her what and she said my outfit was a problem. I was like huh? I was wearing a short sleeved top and a short pants. AND it wasn’t those underwear-like-short pants. I thought I looked decent y’know. She insisted that I change into a long pants. I was rushing you see so I obediently went up and shove on a pair of jeans. She nodded to show her approval. Then she started reasoning to me why she insisted on me to wear a long pants. Then I interrupted.. “ All the while I’ve been wearing like this to his place. Why can’t I today?” And *ta-da* I got scolding again. First of all,for interrupting. Secondly,for not thinking at another point. Don’t get it? Well..her exact words were “Seeing a girl wearing short pants running in and out of their place! What would his father think? I’ll tell you..he will think that we, as your parents never taught you!” I was like, but I don’t see any problem in there..and there it goes again.. “Oh,of course. You only see from your point. You gotta look from another point! You can’t be so obstinate. You can’t expect everyone to follow what you think and what your views are..parents will be parents. What would you think daddy will say if Hibiki (honeydew) comes to our house in short pants?!” I sighed. I remained silent to avoid any further arguments. Yeah..my dad. I remember the last time when I introduced my father to honeydew opposite my dad’s office. My dad looked at honeydew from head to toe. His eyes were locked at honeydew’s shoe for a sec and back to the hand where honeydew held out for a shake. Daddy gave it a quick shake and walked away. Honeydew was wearing a t-shirt,a light blue jeans and a pair of not so white shoes. In normal occasions, honeydew looked perfect. But in an occasion like meeting my father? Not the right choice I’ll say. My dad really cares what other wears. That’s why daddy always want me to dress neatly and formally. Honeydew was a total contrast of my dad today who wore a silky black, collared, long sleeved shirt, tux pants with black leather shoes. Sigh. I hated it when my dad’s views are always based on first impressions.

About the other issue..I remembered the last time honeydew and I had a conflict. Not about my outfit but how stubborn I was. We were studying together with a bunch of his friends. I showed him an easier way to memorize the notes. He then recited the notes aloud and asked me to check whether he made any mistakes. It was then I realised he didn’t use my way. I remained silent. It seemed quite tough for him as he made mistakes here and there. I corrected his mistakes after he finished his sentence. His eyes were dark and he looked frustrated. He rigidly told me to correct him at the moment he makes the mistake. A few of his friends turned to stare at us. It felt as though I made a big mistake and he just scolded me. I wasn’t used to it, so my slow reactions in correcting him infuriated him again. I tried my very best and yet he started throwing tantrums at me because he couldn’t remember a part of the notes. I did feel the change in my facial expression. He tried to use a lighter tone and he told me that he wasn’t yelling or scolding me. It’s just that he’s aggravated that he couldn’t remember. Then I brought it up and asked why didn’t he use my way of memorizing..he misunderstood my meaning. He thought I was blaming him. It was then he said I was obstinate. I always want others to follow my way. I was on the verge of crying. I tried to shake it off. I place the notes back in his hands and turned away. I took out my own notes to read instead. My expressions changed. It wasn’t because I was angry that he didn’t use my way or he threw tantrums at me. In fact it was because I was quite upset that he said I was obstinate and also..I wasn’t any use to him. I mumbled that I was trying to help. He nodded as if he knew. Then he turned away to study on his own. So did I.

My mum hit the brakes and there I was, a few shops away from honeydew’s place. I didn’t know I was day dreaming that long already. I got off and walked up. I greeted his mother as I went in. His mother woke honeydew up from his nap. He looked rather gloomy and it was different than usual. Usually he welcomes me with enthusiasm as if I’ve been away for years. But today..he just looked up at me and reluctantly stand up. I tried to put on my best behaviour and went to the study table to prepare. He went to wash his face and sat there with me too. He looked exasperated. It made me feel that I was disturbing him. I felt bad and immediately asked him if he wanted me to leave. He looked at me thoughtfully and started to explain that he didn’t sleep well last night that’s why. Plus, he said he missed me a lot.. =) at least I didn’t feel the anxiety anymore. We then studied for about six hours before I left. Mum didn’t give me a hard time anymore too. Everything turned out fine again.